My tummy is rumbling for something fulfilling in life. I don’t mean to say that I’m unsatisfied with what I am blessed to have: my education, my family, my friends, a warm home, my good health. Rather, I’m hungry for what makes me WANT to live and not NEED to live.
Once upon a time, at a time not too long ago, I successfully convinced myself that I was happy. Little did I know, I was secretly growing hungrier and hungrier, less and less content with who I was. Many things led me to now believe that I am discontent with who I am, what I do, and the way I think, not in the “I hate myself” kind of way, but hopefully more of the “how do I stop being what I don’t want to be and become the person I do want to be”. That then led me to believe that I am not good at doing anything, let alone at being me.
I never stuck with anything much because I’ve never reached a level where I saw myself being good at anything. I’m not even decent. Mediocre at best. Swimming, piano, violin, guitar, lion dance, popping, baking, singing, sketching, tae kwon do, photography. I dabbled in all these things that I enjoy(ed) but I never really saw achievement. I never had positive reinforcement or encouragement. I never found fulfillment in these things. I have yet to find what satisfies that hunger so that I can pursue it and excel.
I need to find two things. 1) the thing that makes me want to try harder, to practice, to excel in, and to pour my passion and effort into, and 2) the drive that will allow me to be a better person, my ideal me, every single day for the rest of my life.